Everything I Wish I Said The Last Time I Saw You

I didn't say goodbye... I NEVER said goodbye...

It haunts me every single day. I pinched your butt before we all went to sleep (as is accustomed at a Savage family reunion) and I left the next morning,comfortably assuming I would see you again.

I didn't hug you, I didn't tell you I love you, I DIDN'T SAY GOODBYE.

I was talking to a coworker the other day and she said,"Does it get easier? It has to get easier."

It's not easier. I wake up everyday and it's like when you are going up the stairs in the dark and you are so sure there's one more step but as your foot falls through the air, your stomach drops and your heart flutters. I remember you're gone and I get that feeling.

I imagine it looks like I feel normal on the outside, but I think I've just found a way to function around the pain. I can laugh and joke and work and play but all throughout the day you're in the back of my mind. Are you proud of me? Do you watch over the people you left behind? Are you who Little Lyle waves at in the middle of the night? Can you see or feel it when I cry for you most nights?

I wonder if it will get easier. I wonder if other people feel the same. I wonder if I'll stop looking for you when I hear the name Madisen. I wonder if it will stop breaking my heart when I see two little girls playing in the toy kitchen that we used to play with. I wonder if I'll stop panicking when I see a bad car accident on the road or in a movie. I wonder if September will ever stop feeling like a nightmare. 

I miss you. I love you. I'm so grateful for the time we had together. You are my best friend. You will always be in my heart. I can't wait to see you again, however long that might be. 

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows.

Writing down what is in my heart right now is so difficult. There are two battles in particular that I'm struggling with.

Foremost, I have an overwhelming, immense feeling of gratitude and there is my first battle. A friend of mine recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, 5 weeks early. By emergency c-section. Because he has a heart defect. And with every picture she posts, with every plea for prayers for her baby's life, I thank God that I have my healthy baby boy. And I feel... Guilty, I guess? I'm not glad that she is struggling, I admire her for her strength and grace through this. As a mother my heart breaks for her, I pray for her and her little family daily. And it makes me sad for her that I can come home every day and wrap my arms around my baby and she has to watch her child lay there with tubes and wires. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

And speaking of my baby... I'm about to say something it feels like you are never supposed to say. Being a single mom is exhausting. It is hard, and draining, and lonely. I have been called a gold-digger, and damaged, and trash. I feel the weight of having to be the mom and the dad. And I am not supposed to bring it up because I made the choices that made me a single mother in the first place. I miss parts of my pre-mother life. I miss uninterrupted sleep, especially on weekends, the most. I miss being able to go out with friends on a whim. And I miss my friends for that matter, I've noticed people seem to fade away when they can't relate to you. I miss my stretch-mark-less skin. 

There is more to that list, but having all that back would never add up to the happiness that has come to my life as a result of becoming a mom. I can't imagine not having my little man. He has given me a whole new view on life, and a capacity for love that I never even dreamed of feeling.

If you are able and feeling generous, please go to the following link to help raise money needed for hospital bills for my friend and her baby boy Jagger.

http://www.gofundme.com/dav634