It haunts me every single day. I pinched your butt before we all went to sleep (as is accustomed at a Savage family reunion) and I left the next morning,comfortably assuming I would see you again.
I didn't hug you, I didn't tell you I love you, I DIDN'T SAY GOODBYE.
I was talking to a coworker the other day and she said,"Does it get easier? It has to get easier."
It's not easier. I wake up everyday and it's like when you are going up the stairs in the dark and you are so sure there's one more step but as your foot falls through the air, your stomach drops and your heart flutters. I remember you're gone and I get that feeling.
I imagine it looks like I feel normal on the outside, but I think I've just found a way to function around the pain. I can laugh and joke and work and play but all throughout the day you're in the back of my mind. Are you proud of me? Do you watch over the people you left behind? Are you who Little Lyle waves at in the middle of the night? Can you see or feel it when I cry for you most nights?
I wonder if it will get easier. I wonder if other people feel the same. I wonder if I'll stop looking for you when I hear the name Madisen. I wonder if it will stop breaking my heart when I see two little girls playing in the toy kitchen that we used to play with. I wonder if I'll stop panicking when I see a bad car accident on the road or in a movie. I wonder if September will ever stop feeling like a nightmare.
I miss you. I love you. I'm so grateful for the time we had together. You are my best friend. You will always be in my heart. I can't wait to see you again, however long that might be.
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IF YOU CAN'T SAY SOMETHING NICE, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL!