Foremost, I have an overwhelming, immense feeling of gratitude and there is my first battle. A friend of mine recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, 5 weeks early. By emergency c-section. Because he has a heart defect. And with every picture she posts, with every plea for prayers for her baby's life, I thank God that I have my healthy baby boy. And I feel... Guilty, I guess? I'm not glad that she is struggling, I admire her for her strength and grace through this. As a mother my heart breaks for her, I pray for her and her little family daily. And it makes me sad for her that I can come home every day and wrap my arms around my baby and she has to watch her child lay there with tubes and wires. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
And speaking of my baby... I'm about to say something it feels like you are never supposed to say. Being a single mom is exhausting. It is hard, and draining, and lonely. I have been called a gold-digger, and damaged, and trash. I feel the weight of having to be the mom and the dad. And I am not supposed to bring it up because I made the choices that made me a single mother in the first place. I miss parts of my pre-mother life. I miss uninterrupted sleep, especially on weekends, the most. I miss being able to go out with friends on a whim. And I miss my friends for that matter, I've noticed people seem to fade away when they can't relate to you. I miss my stretch-mark-less skin.
There is more to that list, but having all that back would never add up to the happiness that has come to my life as a result of becoming a mom. I can't imagine not having my little man. He has given me a whole new view on life, and a capacity for love that I never even dreamed of feeling.
If you are able and feeling generous, please go to the following link to help raise money needed for hospital bills for my friend and her baby boy Jagger.
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